Stapes
by indraaas
Summary: It starts, as most things do, with an explosion, a scream, a cat screeching, and then, somehow, a baby.


**A/N:** magerain over on tumblr sent a request in for the flash fiction thing I was doing and then the fic mutated into whatever this is.

Also, yes, this is papalogia, I changed my url. New year, new me, 2018 hype and all that.

Wendy's POV because she's my bias, also this takes place a few years into the future.

Enjoy!

Oh! Side note, the title, Stapes, is one of the bones mentioned in this chapter. It's also the smallest one in the human body, so like..small baby, small bone. Geddit?

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Fairy Tail.

* * *

It starts, as most things do, with an explosion, a scream, a cat screeching, and then, somehow, a baby.

A baby that has _just_ fallen asleep, so if her _lovely teammates_ don't _shut the fuck up_ then somebody's gonna find themselves pumped full of benzodiazepines and carried over another someone's shoulders.

Wendy inhales for seven seconds and exhales for nine before speaking. "Guys. Please. Two towns over. We need to make it to _two towns over_. Can we do it without racking up a mortgage's worth of reparations? _Please?_ "

"Of course!" Erza declares, unsheathing her sword and sticking it up in the air like she's leading an army into battle. Her red hair sways around her majestically as she booms, "We shall make it to Port Town with the dignity that comes with being proud mages of Fairy Tail! And if anyone dares to disagree-"

"Speak now or forever hold your peace," Natsu interrupts. Gray stabs him in the ribs sharply, and the fire dragonslayer retaliates with equal force. Gray's face twists into a scowl as he shoves Natsu, who pushes back. It's like watching Newton's third law in action, except with inertia thrown in because when Natsu kicks Gray across the field, he _keeps_ flying until he smashes into a tree, which topples over and knocks into another tree. Before the second tree can domino into a third, Gray slams his hands into the ground and freezes it in place, along with a five meter radius of forest.

"Nice going, ice prick," Natsu snaps. "You almost woke the baby _and_ you killed a tree."

"Fuck you! You started it!"

"You stabbed me!"

"Erza's gonna stab you both if you don't shut up!" Lucy yells, clapping her hands over her mouth immediately after and wheeling around to face Wendy and the baby. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Is she awake?"

"No," Wendy manages to bite out. "Just...let's keep moving."

* * *

Wendy has never, in her sixteen years of life, wished to be a baby again like she does at this very moment. It must be so nice to just conk out and _stay_ conked out even when the world is going to shit around you.

"You don't even do anything," she mumbles to the baby cradled in the nook of her shoulder. "What do you need to sleep this much for? Do you see what I have to deal with every day? I deserve a brief coma for putting up with this for so long."

The baby, who she's nicknamed Bean, smacks her lips and continues drooling all over Wendy's white sweater.

Meanwhile, Lucy dropkicks the bandit making a mad dash for Wendy, either in the hopes of using her as a bargain or in hopes of gaining asylum from her teammates.

One key. Lucy had requested to make a stop at a small vendor to ask about the Vulpecula key dangling from a piece of string, and then suddenly there were bandits running out of a jewelers shop and Natsu was throwing flaming punches before the alarms had even gone off. While normally Wendy would not have objected to bringing the full force of justice upon the thieves, they're on a tight schedule and there are about fifty other mages in this town more than qualified to intercept. Like Sting and Rogue, who are sitting at a cafe's patio about ten meters away watching them like they're the live-action version of reality TV. Which, she supposes, is just reality but what the fuck does she care.

"You two could join in and end this faster," Wendy informs them as she drops down in one of the empty seats at their table and snags Rogue's espresso.

"And miss this? Are you kidding me? This is better than cable!" Sting exclaims, munching on a digestive cookie. "Who's the kid? Did Natsu-san finally knock up Lucy-san?"

"The kid has black hair, Sting," Rogue says.

"Oh, shit, _Gray-san_ knocked up Lucy-san?"

"No. We found the baby in a town we were staying at. Baby's very lost. We were supposed to be returning the baby, but..." Wendy waves at the chaos unfolding on the streets.

Erza swings her spiked club and takes out three thieves and a glass window as it completes its arc. She then whirls around to propel Gray into the air as he creates a bow and launches a plethora of arrows into the crowd. It catches the thief Natsu is digging his leg into, pinning him to the ground and causing Natsu to tip over as he follows through on his kick.

"Hey!" Natsu shouts. "Watch it, fuckface!"

"Screw you! I took out 10!"

"I'm at 11! Don't fall behind, loser!"

"15!" Lucy crows triumphantly, snapping her whip out. It wraps around the waist of a bandit struggling to get up, and she spins around, yanking the man with her. He continues to fly outwards, finally colliding with two more trying to sneak away with the jewels in the midst of the action. "Make that 18!"

"I'm gonna win this! Fire Dragon's Roar!"

"I need more espresso," Wendy says calmly, placing her empty cup down. "And also a plate of something sweet."

"Wow, you've actually hit stress-calm," Sting says. He reaches over to pat her head while Rogue signals for a member of the waitstaff not currently hiding behind a table for protection from the debris.

"Is it too late to transfer to Sabertooth?"

"And risk your psycho teammates destroying my Guild Hall trying to get you back? No thanks."

* * *

"The baby is so quiet!" Lucy marvels, leaning over Wendy's shoulder to peek at Bean. "Mind if I hold her for a bit? I'm sure your arms are getting tired."

Rationally, she should say no and keep holding onto Bean because it's been dead silent for a whole half hour and if that streak is broken she might actually cry, but her shoulder is starting to kill her so Wendy hands the baby over and digs her fingers into the knots forming there. She quickly gives up on that mission when she realizes Bean has been drooling so much it's seeped through and hit her skin.

"You're just adorable!" Lucy coos, tracing a finger down Bean's round cheek. "Look at you! Ugh, I think I'm getting baby fever. I kinda want one now."

"I can see the appeal," Erza comments. Both Natsu and Gray, who had looked amused at Lucy's declaration, pale as they imagine a mini-Erza running around and biting their ankles with her undoubtedly sharp baby teeth. Wendy, too, feels chills run down her spine. Erza will make a wonderful mother, no doubt, but the world just isn't ready for a second Scarlet.

"Lemme see." Gray pulls Bean out of Lucy's arms and holds her up to eye level. He tilts his head and hums. "Huh. You know, this isn't half bad. I could deal with a mini-me."

"Your baby wouldn't know the head-hole from the arm-hole of a shirt," Natsu sneers, pulling Bean. "Now me? I'd make a great dad. I already raised Happy and he turned out great!"

"Oh, please, Happy wouldn't have made it out of the egg if Lisanna hadn't helped," Gray snaps back as he reaches for Bean. "Gimmie, you're gonna hurt her!"

"Hell no! You'll give her freezer burns with your popsicle fingers."

"Screw you! They're better than your goddamn heated wire lookin' phalanges!"

Erza hefts Bean into her arms, cradling her against the breastplate of her armor and holding her sword out between the bickering pair. "Enough! You will distress the child!"

"Says the lady holding her to metal!" Natsu shouts.

"My armor is built for comfort!"

"Babies don't like hard surfaces, Erza! Come on! Give her back!"

"No!"

"Give her here!" Lucy exclaims. "She's gonna-"

Bean starts crying, and so does Wendy. Just...very quietly. To herself. Inside. Honestly, she looks like she's died while standing up and the group is collectively panicking too hard to take notice, so she sits down and places her head against her knees.

 _Calcaneus, capitate, carpal, cervical vertebrae, clavicle, coccyx, cuboid..._

"Oh, shit, okay, uh...rock a bye baaaaaaby, in the tree toooooop! When the wind blooooows, the craaaadle will roooooock!" Lucy sings, bouncing Bean in her arms. The motion has her screaming even more, so Lucy resorts to gentle rocks back and forth. "Um, ring around a rooooosie, pocket full of pooooosie-"

 _...distal phalanges, ethmoid, femur, fibula, frontal, gladiolus..._

"Here, maybe she wants to see some shapes!" Natsu conjures a small flame on each fingertip, wagging them in the air hypnotically. "Oooh, look what I have!"

Gray pushes him out of Bean's sight. "Fuck that, she wants to see something worth seeing. Look! I got dancing ice shards!" A dozen little crystals float in the air, dancing in spirals and coming together to form a ballerina spinning on the spot. Bean's wails reach a previously unheard of decibel at the sudden chill.

 _...hamate, humerus, hyoid, incus, inferior nasal conchae, intermediate cuneiform..._

"Ah ha! Perhaps a more child-appropriate outfit will cheer her up!" Erza requips into a bunny suit. Not her sexy bunny suit, no, this is a literal bunny onesie in the same shade of pink as Pepto Bismol(TM). Erza waves her hands in front of Bean, hopping up and down. "I am the Easter Bunny! Do not cry, or you will get no chocolate this year! All children love chocolate!"

"Babies can't have chocolate Erza!" Lucy admonishes, reaching for her keys. "Here, maybe Plue might help. Open! Gate of the Canis Minor!"

Plue appears in a burst of sparkles on Lucy's head, and it's either the sparkles or the terrifying dog-that-isn't-a-dog that scares Bean, but she just about shatters the eardrums of everyone in the vicinity.

 _...intermediate phalanges, lacrimal, lateral cuneiform, lumbar vertebrae, lunate, malleus..._

"She wants to see the fire! Move over. Here, look at the pretty fire!"

 _...mandible, manubrium, maxilla..._

"It was your fire that scared her in the first place! My ice was just getting her calmed down!"

 _...medial cuneiform, metacarpals, metatarsals, nasal, navicular..._

"The hell it was!"

"Guys, I think Plue was really starting to help out so back up! Come on, Plue, do your dance!"

"Puun!"

 _...occipital, palatine, parietal, patella, pisiform, proximal phalanges..._

"The bunny suit was what did the job! Now move, or I will forcibly remove you!"

"Erza, your bunny suit is gonna give this kid a lifetime of trauma!"

 _...radius, ribs, sacrum, scaphoid, scapula, sphenoid, stapes, talus..._

"No more than your fire or ice! Bunnies are the pinnacle of childhood joy!"

"You look terrifying in it!"

 _...temporal, thoracic vertebrae, tibia, trapezium, trapezoid, triquetral, ulna..._

"How dare you!"

"Look, I think Plue's getting her quiet!"

"No, she's louder than before! I think my ears are bleeding! C'mon, Lucy, do that girl thing where you get babies to shut up!"

"Girl thing?! Excuse me?!"

 _...vomer, xyphoid process, and the zygomatic._

Wendy gets up, dusts herself off, walks over to the squabbling group, and grabs Bean before heading back up the path.

Bean is fast asleep by the time the four manage to catch up.

* * *

Natsu trips over a booby-trap that has ten rogue mages jumping out of the treetops, and that's when Wendy finally snaps.

" _Hell fucking no!_ " she snarls, stomping up and grabbing the leader by the front of his scrappy shirt. She yanks him down face-to-face and, with a wild look in her eyes, hisses, "This baby has been asleep now for a whole half-hour. I don't want any more fights. No more destruction. This was supposed to be a simple mission: deliver the baby back home. If you so much as twitch a muscle, even if it's to breathe, _I will make you fucking bleed._ "

"Wendy," Gray begins, and she snaps her head back to stare at him. Her face must look especially demonic because he actually takes a step back and pushes Natsu in front of him.

"No," she growls. "Nobody is fighting here. We're going from point a to point b and that's _it_. _You_ fucking morons." She indicates the rogues. "Are going to walk all the way back home and do community service, or I'm going to grab you by the ends of your goddamn tailbones and _drag you there myself_. And _you_ lot." She turns to her team now. "Are gonna _shut the fuck up_ and keep walking. When we get to that village, I'm going to deliver the baby to her parents. We're going to go back home. I'm going to go and shower. You will all do the paperwork. Am I clear?"

There was a unanimous nod.

"I said, _am I clear_?"

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!"

* * *

"How was the mission?" Mira chirps as Team Natsu minus Wendy takes their seats at the bar. "You all took an awfully long time coming back."

"We found a baby in the village we had to return home," Lucy replies robotically. There's a blank look on her face that tells everyone she's Seen Some Shit.

"Oh? How did that go?" Mira asks, sliding over their orders - strawberry milkshake, iced coffee, warm milk with cinnamon, and steeped tea.

"It was successful," Natsu says, and that's when Mira knows something is wrong because that is the most un-Natsu sentence to have ever existed. She leans over and feels his temperature. A little high, but given his magic it's within range.

"Are you sure?"

Gray glances around furtively before bending forward and muttering, "Wendy-"

"Is going for her shower," the sky dragon slayer says from behind them. "So you four will be doing...?"

"Paperwork," comes the chorus. Wendy nods and strides purposefully towards the showers in the back, pausing only long enough to exchange A Look with Laxus, who raises a scarred eyebrow but nods.

Suffice to say, Mira's a little freaked out.

"Guys?" she asks. Laxus walks over and slides over a stapled packet of papers to all four of them. They all flip the front page over at the same time and start writing, much to the Mira's horror. She's never seen any of them do their paperwork this readily. She's also never seen Wendy pull a personality switch like that, so she supposes the world just refuses to make sense from here on out. Discretely, she reaches up to feel her own temperature.

"What the hell?" she mouths at Laxus, who huffs in amusement.

"Don't know, don't care."

* * *

 **A/N:** This was fun to write. Sadly, it's time to return to reality and sleep so I can go study for midterms like a normal person.

Make sure to drop a review!

-Eien


End file.
